Comments on: If I Stay, He Will Change http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/ Just another WordPress weblog Sat, 28 Aug 2010 04:33:52 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Faith http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1481 Faith Wed, 24 Mar 2010 16:06:17 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1481 Thanks I will emial him at the address you provided! Thanks I will emial him at the address you provided!

]]> By: Diane Brierley for Mark Gungor http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1480 Diane Brierley for Mark Gungor Wed, 24 Mar 2010 13:31:48 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1480 Mark handles all specific questions through his daily internet radio show. Please send your email to radio@laughyourway.com and he'll be happy to answer for you. You can listen weekdays from 10-11 am CST at <a href="http://www.markgungorshow.com" rel="nofollow">www.markgungorshow.com </a>and the archives are available on the site to listen to past shows. Mark handles all specific questions through his daily internet radio show. Please send your email to radio@laughyourway.com and he’ll be happy to answer for you.
You can listen weekdays from 10-11 am CST at http://www.markgungorshow.com and the archives are available on the site to listen to past shows.

]]> By: Faith http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1477 Faith Tue, 23 Mar 2010 20:49:47 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1477 Hello Mark, I have been married 12 years, and I married at age 18 to a man 9 years older then me. We have been in and out of counseling for his addiction to porn. I currently am legally separated from him due to out last confritation about me finding it again on his computer became physical. We have two amzing kids under the age of 7 and I am trying to work it out, but he has choosen not to make any counseling sessions, and has canceled two of our mediations. I am trying to reconcile, but he is not giving me any choices to make things work if he doesn't even show up. I am not willing ot put up with this sin anymore, especially because we have kids. He is unwilling to do anything to get rid of it, and wants me to take action if I have a problem with it. What advise to you have for me, because I am really struggling with just filing for divorce while I am seeking Gods will. Blessings, Hello Mark,

I have been married 12 years, and I married at age 18 to a man 9 years older then me. We have been in and out of counseling for his addiction to porn. I currently am legally separated from him due to out last confritation about me finding it again on his computer became physical.
We have two amzing kids under the age of 7 and I am trying to work it out, but he has choosen not to make any counseling sessions, and has canceled two of our mediations. I am trying to reconcile, but he is not giving me any choices to make things work if he doesn’t even show up. I am not willing ot put up with this sin anymore, especially because we have kids. He is unwilling to do anything to get rid of it, and wants me to take action if I have a problem with it. What advise to you have for me, because I am really struggling with just filing for divorce while I am seeking Gods will.

Blessings,

]]> By: Debra http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1473 Debra Wed, 17 Mar 2010 07:11:12 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1473 Dear Denise: Hello from Washington state when you read this I hope things are better for you and your family. I went to a domestic violence support group and decided to end my marriage but it took me years to make this decision. After being divorced and separated my ex-husband and I can actually talk without fighting. Keep praying for your husband and children I pray for mine. Even though I am divorced I still feel married. Been married too long. Stand your ground and take back your family pray and read God's promises every where you walk welcome God's presence and will. Pray in tongues are you Pentecostal? Dear Denise:

Hello from Washington state when you read this I hope things are better for you and your family. I went to a domestic violence support group and decided to end my marriage but it took me years to make this decision. After being divorced and separated my ex-husband and I can actually talk without fighting. Keep praying for your husband and children I pray for mine. Even though I am divorced I still feel married. Been married too long. Stand your ground and take back your family pray and read God’s promises every where you walk welcome God’s presence and will. Pray in tongues are you Pentecostal?

]]> By: gad http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1229 gad Sat, 06 Feb 2010 08:22:55 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1229 hi denise am sorry for what you are undergoing and i can only imagine. am writing this from nairobi kenya and all i can tell you is that Jehovah God is faithful and just, dont tire doing good, Gods timing is always the best, He is never late or early. just like what He did to you (your salvation) He will truely save your hubby and son, trust in Him, He rewords those who deligently seek after him. faith is the key... keep seeking Him and he will never leave you nor forsake you. hi denise
am sorry for what you are undergoing and i can only imagine. am writing this from nairobi kenya and all i can tell you is that Jehovah God is faithful and just, dont tire doing good, Gods timing is always the best, He is never late or early. just like what He did to you (your salvation) He will truely save your hubby and son, trust in Him, He rewords those who deligently seek after him. faith is the key… keep seeking Him and he will never leave you nor forsake you.

]]> By: Denise http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1038 Denise Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:13:37 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1038 I did not see the episode either, but came across this website. I have been married 10 years, but have been saved for only 5. When I met and married this man, I was not saved. I drank and partied with him...did all kinds of lewd behavior and such. He was used to that woman. When I got saved 5 years ago...it was like he came home and was now living with a different woman. No more drinking, going out, letting him hang with other women and me with other men...no more porno watching. I totally changed...I was now in love with Jesus...and at first, he thought it was just a phase...but 5 years later, I am still here growing in God and as I am convicted of things...I guess more and more changes in me are made. He is angry and bitter over this alot of the time. I tell him how much I love him and want to be a good wife, but I will never be the kind of wife he used to know. My husband is an alcoholic, and I have set up bouderies, but he continues to go out and drink. We have an 8 year old son together who worships his dad.He is not alowed to be drunk around our son, or have alcohol in the house. Our son is picking up so many behaviors from him. I pray all the time about it and trust that God is working behind the scenes. I teach our child Gods Word and bring him to Sunday school (only if my husband hasn't grabbed him early Sunday morning to take him hunting or fishing). My son used to love church when I first got saved, but now he doesn't want to go because daddy doesn't go, and he gets annoyed with me when I speak about God...he says he wants to be like dad....how old does he have to be to drink beer, ect. His father and I are constantly butting heads on things about our son. He teaches him its ok to do wrong things, he teaches him its ok to look at a woman with lust. I always approach the situation in prayer and in a loving but firm way, but my husband just says, just because you wanted to change, doesn't mean I or our son has to. He thinks I am trying to brainwash our son. Asking for any suggestions or anyone who has been or going through this to respond. I did not see the episode either, but came across this website. I have been married 10 years, but have been saved for only 5. When I met and married this man, I was not saved. I drank and partied with him…did all kinds of lewd behavior and such. He was used to that woman. When I got saved 5 years ago…it was like he came home and was now living with a different woman. No more drinking, going out, letting him hang with other women and me with other men…no more porno watching. I totally changed…I was now in love with Jesus…and at first, he thought it was just a phase…but 5 years later, I am still here growing in God and as I am convicted of things…I guess more and more changes in me are made. He is angry and bitter over this alot of the time. I tell him how much I love him and want to be a good wife, but I will never be the kind of wife he used to know. My husband is an alcoholic, and I have set up bouderies, but he continues to go out and drink. We have an 8 year old son together who worships his dad.He is not alowed to be drunk around our son, or have alcohol in the house. Our son is picking up so many behaviors from him. I pray all the time about it and trust that God is working behind the scenes. I teach our child Gods Word and bring him to Sunday school (only if my husband hasn’t grabbed him early Sunday morning to take him hunting or fishing). My son used to love church when I first got saved, but now he doesn’t want to go because daddy doesn’t go, and he gets annoyed with me when I speak about God…he says he wants to be like dad….how old does he have to be to drink beer, ect.
His father and I are constantly butting heads on things about our son. He teaches him its ok to do wrong things, he teaches him its ok to look at a woman with lust.
I always approach the situation in prayer and in a loving but firm way, but my husband just says, just because you wanted to change, doesn’t mean I or our son has to. He thinks I am trying to brainwash our son. Asking for any suggestions or anyone who has been or going through this to respond.

]]> By: Sue http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1025 Sue Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:45:08 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1025 Thanks Shirley She does not attend my church, my husband will not go to church with me. We own a company that we run from our home and have since we got married. This women was a client that we did a job for her once a year for 9 years. He would always tell me if something happened to us he would ask her out. I would not know her if I would have seen her, but she gets her hair cut and the same shop that our daughter works at. She was in the shop the other day and my daughter called me to tell me she was down there, so I went to see her for myself. When I got home I told my husband what I had done and he didn't believe me. I told him I was telling the truth and it sounded like she had found someone else (seeing that her and the girl cutting her hair was talking very loud)he had the nerve to ask me if I felt better knowing that she had found someone else, I told him I didn't care about her feelings only the way that he felt. I'm not sure how he really felt about her, but he told me that she told him she loved him, and when he told her that he wanted to work things out with me, she called the next day and told him it wasn't over for her and that she would wait on him. He did call her a month after he broke things off (I found out that he did this 2 months after he did it) he told me he was still confused. I did go to the doctor after I found out and he had broke things off with her to make sure I didn't have anything. This was not her first rodeo she had broke off atleast one other marriage. What do you say to people like that? The Lord says to pray for your enemys so I do and he also says to forgive them. I called her, she didn't answer so I left a message that I forgave her for everything she had done. I know I'm probably not handling things right but I felt that was what God wanted me to do. Thanks Shirley

She does not attend my church, my husband will not go to church with me. We own a company that we run from our home and have since we got married.
This women was a client that we did a job for her once a year for 9 years. He would always tell me if something happened to us he would ask her out.
I would not know her if I would have seen her, but she gets her hair cut and the same shop that our daughter works at. She was in the shop the other day and my daughter called me to tell me she was down there, so I went to see her for myself.
When I got home I told my husband what I had done and he didn’t believe me. I told him I was telling the truth and it sounded like she had found someone else (seeing that her and the girl cutting her hair was talking very loud)he had the nerve to ask me if I felt better knowing that she had found someone else, I told him I didn’t care about her feelings only the way that he felt.
I’m not sure how he really felt about her, but he told me that she told him she loved him, and when he told her that he wanted to work things out with me, she called the next day and told him it wasn’t over for her and that she would wait on him. He did call her a month after he broke things off (I found out that he did this 2 months after he did it) he told me he was still confused.

I did go to the doctor after I found out and he had broke things off with her to make sure I didn’t have anything.
This was not her first rodeo she had broke off atleast one other marriage. What do you say to people like that?
The Lord says to pray for your enemys so I do and he also says to forgive them. I called her, she didn’t answer so I left a message that I forgave her for everything she had done. I know I’m probably not handling things right but I felt that was what God wanted me to do.

]]> By: Shirley http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1024 Shirley Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:01:18 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1024 First of all, no so-called real christian woman goes around sleeping with another woman's husband EVER, so you can ease your mind that God would not in a million years condone such action and that woman is nothing more than a homewrecker. And unfortunately this is typical behavior of men - it sounds like your husband is playing the emotional blackmail game by transferring his sinful choices and lack of committment onto you. He is doing a power-play - to say he is going to give YOU a chance? It definitely should be the other way around. It does not matter if you were the meanest person in the world towards him- bottom line that your husband's choice of having an affair is HIS SIN, not yours. There's a thing called integrity and for him to come back to you and state he is "not" sorry for his affair, shows he has no remorse, thinks he did nothing wrong (that means there's a good chance that he WILL do it again) and will rationalize with himself to escape from the marriage everytime he doesn't feel like you are "acting nice." That places alot of guilt, worry and burden on you, while he gets off guilt-free from consequence and responsibility. I speak from experience, my exhusband did the exact same thing to me and because I did not put my foot down and demand he take responsibility from the beginning, it only got worse. His one affair became several, and since he is a firefighter had access to tons of single ER nurses I ended up with no self esteem, no self worth, paranoid everytime he spoke to another woman, and all the time he told me it was all MY FAULT for him having no self-control in his womanizing ways to keep his pants on. I could tell you horrid stories of the humiliation I endured in the name of saving my marriage. I feel for you and your situation, and everyone needs to search themselves to see how their actions can improve to make better spouses. But even while you are working things out within yourself and God, that NEVER EVER justifies a husband to cheat on his wife. You may have said hurtful words, but he brought another person into your marriage bed. Trust has to be rebuilt, you can forgive him, but he needs to EARN trust. That means he needs to get rid of the other woman completely, if she's a member of your church - you need to change churches. And don't allow him to protect her identity, that is placing the other woman as more important than you and only says he cares more about her welfare than yours (plus you need to know where he met her so you are not unknowingly bumping into her or allowing him to be in the same circle of friends and inviting her to your home) Demand he go to marriage counseling immediately and get involved in a strong christian men's group that will keep him actively accountable. Don't be scared (and I know its a very frightening thing) to remove him from your household if he refuses to change his actions. And get a STD test for your own safety, you never know what he brought home. A man that is TRULY wanting to save his marriage will not only be remorseful, humble and willing to take account of his actions, but should be willing enough to stand up in front of the entire church congregation if necessary and tell the world he did wrong. Don't let that man make you feel guilty for HIS affair. First of all, no so-called real christian woman goes around sleeping with another woman’s husband EVER, so you can ease your mind that God would not in a million years condone such action and that woman is nothing more than a homewrecker.
And unfortunately this is typical behavior of men – it sounds like your husband is playing the emotional blackmail game by transferring his sinful choices and lack of committment onto you. He is doing a power-play – to say he is going to give YOU a chance? It definitely should be the other way around. It does not matter if you were the meanest person in the world towards him- bottom line that your husband’s choice of having an affair is HIS SIN, not yours. There’s a thing called integrity and for him to come back to you and state he is “not” sorry for his affair, shows he has no remorse, thinks he did nothing wrong (that means there’s a good chance that he WILL do it again) and will rationalize with himself to escape from the marriage everytime he doesn’t feel like you are “acting nice.” That places alot of guilt, worry and burden on you, while he gets off guilt-free from consequence and responsibility.
I speak from experience, my exhusband did the exact same thing to me and because I did not put my foot down and demand he take responsibility from the beginning, it only got worse. His one affair became several, and since he is a firefighter had access to tons of single ER nurses I ended up with no self esteem, no self worth, paranoid everytime he spoke to another woman, and all the time he told me it was all MY FAULT for him having no self-control in his womanizing ways to keep his pants on. I could tell you horrid stories of the humiliation I endured in the name of saving my marriage. I feel for you and your situation, and everyone needs to search themselves to see how their actions can improve to make better spouses. But even while you are working things out within yourself and God, that NEVER EVER justifies a husband to cheat on his wife. You may have said hurtful words, but he brought another person into your marriage bed. Trust has to be rebuilt, you can forgive him, but he needs to EARN trust. That means he needs to get rid of the other woman completely, if she’s a member of your church – you need to change churches. And don’t allow him to protect her identity, that is placing the other woman as more important than you and only says he cares more about her welfare than yours (plus you need to know where he met her so you are not unknowingly bumping into her or allowing him to be in the same circle of friends and inviting her to your home) Demand he go to marriage counseling immediately and get involved in a strong christian men’s group that will keep him actively accountable. Don’t be scared (and I know its a very frightening thing) to remove him from your household if he refuses to change his actions. And get a STD test for your own safety, you never know what he brought home. A man that is TRULY wanting to save his marriage will not only be remorseful, humble and willing to take account of his actions, but should be willing enough to stand up in front of the entire church congregation if necessary and tell the world he did wrong. Don’t let that man make you feel guilty for HIS affair.

]]> By: Sue http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1011 Sue Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:22:27 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1011 Like Paula said I to wish I could have viewed the whole episode and not just the opening discussion. I've was raised in Church and so was my husband. We have been married for almost 21 years, over the years we have always had our ups and downs just like other married couples, but six months ago he desided our marriage was over and started a relationship with another women who claimed to be a christian. This went on for about a little over a month before I found out then he still continued to call and go see her for the next to weeks. At the end of the two weeks he told me that something was telling him to give me a chance to change my attitude and give our marriage a chance. God was telling me through this that i needed to work things out with my husband he had never done anything like this before, but he doesn't think what he did was wrong, he is not sorry for cheating on me beacause I was mean to him and had said hurtful things (which I did before I gave my life back to the Lord). I have told him over and over how sorry I am for everything that I have done, but he will only say he is sorry for hurting my feallngs but he is not sorry for having an affair. Is this normal behavier for men? Will I ever be able to trust him? Can your marriage be stronger after an affair? Like Paula said I to wish I could have viewed the whole episode and not just the opening discussion. I’ve was raised in Church and so was my husband.
We have been married for almost 21 years, over the years we have always had our ups and downs just like other married couples, but six months ago he desided our marriage was over and started a relationship with another women who claimed to be a christian. This went on for about a little over a month before I found out then he still continued to call and go see her for the next to weeks. At the end of the two weeks he told me that something was telling him to give me a chance to change my attitude and give our marriage a chance.
God was telling me through this that i needed to work things out with my husband he had never done anything like this before, but he doesn’t think what he did was wrong, he is not sorry for cheating on me beacause I was mean to him and had said hurtful things (which I did before I gave my life back to the Lord). I have told him over and over how sorry I am for everything that I have done, but he will only say he is sorry for hurting my feallngs but he is not sorry for having an affair.
Is this normal behavier for men? Will I ever be able to trust him? Can your marriage be stronger after an affair?

]]> By: Monique http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/stinking-thinking/if-i-stay-he-will-change/comment-page-1/#comment-1005 Monique Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:41:38 +0000 http://www.lovemarriageandstinkingthinking.com/?p=175#comment-1005 I agree with you Shirley. Linda's reply is way off base. I agree with you Shirley. Linda’s reply is way off base.

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